Allen Walker

2011-07-31T16:20:00.003+08:00

Surgery

So I was led to my temporary hospital bed.

Changed into my surgical gown as instructed and just lay there and waited.

Waited till I actually fell asleep without the influence of anesthesia.

As I waited on...

One by one, others waiting for their surgery were approached by friendly nurses and were subsequently pushed into their respective Operation rooms.

Soon it was my turn.

The nurses opened up the curtains that surrounded my bed, enthusiastically waved at me and said hello.
There was this one cute-sounding nurse that approached me and started asking me a lot of questions.

All of the nurses had put their masks on so I couldn't tell how they looked like but I was sure the cute-sounding nurse looked cute as well.

So anyway, this nurse then asked my dad for his handphone and used it to help take a picture of us both.

With that, I was pushed into my Operation room. My heart started beating wildly.

The doors opened and woohoo, instantly this cold rush of air blew against me.

The air-con was so damn cold I started shivering madly and they had to pass a tube that provided hot air under my covers. The nurses subsequently stripped me of my gown and added more layers of sheets over me. One of the nurses then put a clip (that monitored my heart rate) onto my index and kept re-assuring me (like some first-aider).

So I waited in the Operation Room for the guy before me to be moved into the Recovery Ward.

As my glasses had been taken off, I couldn't really see clearly, but I could tell from all the blur that the guy before me had his legs suspended and a tube through his throat. While waiting, my surgeon marked out the lump he was gonna remove.

So then it was my turn. They asked me to move onto the surgical table.

Naked as I was I lay under those covers waiting for my surgery to happen.

Then one of the surgeons told me to relax as he plunged the IV needle into my vein.

Because I was too cold, all of my veins had shrunk and he found it very difficult to do so.

The nurse was like 'Oh my I think you are too cold that's why' and asking the doctor to Jiayou.

So he added more strength not knowing I was nearly gonna scream in pain.

Then he gave up and took a second needle, the first still stuck in my vein, and tried again.

Epic fail. By then I was like, 'Ouch it's pain.'

The anaesthetist then put the oxygen mask over me and asked me to relax and breathe in 'fresh oxygen' which didn't really smell fresh to me; it had this plastic flavour to it.

Then suddenly I smelt a faint sweet smell, and this was followed by the anaesthetist going 'okay now breathe in some sweet smelling gas alright'.

As I breathed in, I realised the pain from the IV needle was getting lesser. I guess it was working; I was slowly slipping into unconsciousness.

As I did, the nurses rolled up the covers hence exposing my lower half. I tried to look but the nurse actually forced me down -.-

I felt the surgeon do a final drive of the IV needle perpendicularly down and a final burst of pain before I felt the whole world become strangely brighter and the pain in my veins gone.

SUDDENLY, one of the surgeons went, 'DON'T INDUCE HIM FIRST! WE HAVEN'T MARKED OUT THE LUMP.'

So they took off the mask and asked me to turn around. As I did, I saw two IV needles poking out of my veins. =.= Then the stupid surgeon realised another surgeon had marked it out and was like, 'Oh you had it marked already ah? Okay. Carry on inducing him.'

So well, they did.

I breathed on... Inhaling the 'fresh air' and the 'sweet-smelling gas'.

No longer feeling a thing from the IV.

My world didn't even black out slowly or anything.

I just slept without even knowing.

I didn't feel anything from the intubation procedure.

I didn't feel anything from the surgery itself.

The next thing I knew, I was being constantly slapped at the cheek by a nurse.

She was like, 'Jun Hao, Jun Hao, wake up wake up. Are you awake?'

There was a breathing tube going through my throat so naturally I didn't respond.

I just nodded my head. My airway felt super open for the first time in my life.

Then she said, 'There's a breathing tube in you and I'm going to remove it now okay.'

Then I nodded and she removed it. I expected a gag reflex but surprisingly there wasn't any.

Probably was still semi-unconscious. My airway suddenly felt like it had constricted.

The next few hours after the surgery was complete were kinda terrible.

I felt like vomiting, which was a common side-effect of anaesthesia.

I challenged myself to not vomit anything out.

I also couldn't focus properly; my head felt like it was spinning at a constant rate.

I ended up sleeping on my hospital bed for the next 4 hours.

Then I was given bread and milo after I woke up and woohoo, instantly I vomited everything into a bag given to me. I lost the challenge.

Then it was time to go home. Surprisingly my stitched-up wound didn't hurt a lot.

The moment I reached home I slumped onto my bed and slept till today morning.

A skin condition that had been bogging me since Secondary 3.

It started on the exact same day I had my Chinese O Levels Oral Exam.

Had been eating a monthly dose of antibiotics ever since.

Went to SGH only to be told it couldn't be operated on, so I went to CGH for a second opinion.

They agreed on a surgery under local anaesthesia, but the date of appointment was 13 days before my official enlistment into the army.

Because I didn't want to let it affect my enlistment date, I cancelled the surgery and continued on with my dose of antibiotics.

This went on way all the way till after my training in Sispec.

When I first entered 1SIR, my lump exploded during UIP.

Because of that, I was sent to the A&E at Khoo Teck Puat.

The doctors drained the lump and even drove a device into my rectum; it was damn painful.

The doctor then decided on a surgery, and I was sent first to HQ because I was unfit to go to Brunei for training.

Went through my MRI and all.

The next thing I knew, I was put permanently under HQ.

In 1SIR, I was going to be an Intelligence Spec for the next decade or so right up to the age of 40.

I had reservations at first in being an Intel Spec, but I'll leave talk about this to the next post.

So now I'm just sitting around, waiting for my wound to heal.

Everytime I sneeze I feel the stitches inch away from each other.

But I guess nothing will go wrong. Just cannot wait for the stitches to be removed.

Changing the dressing is just so damn troublesome.

So I just found out about this anime called Kekkaishi.

Nice anime man. Maybe I can chase it during my medical leave.

2011-02-14T23:15:00.002+08:00

Cold Night

Today’s Valentine’s Day.
It’s also a day before my surgery.
It’s supposed to be a day of love, togetherness and warmth.
That’s what they all say.

Today however, I felt most alone.
Emptiness weighed on my heart like a rock refusing to be removed.

Everytime while walking the long distance from my camp to the bus stop, I’d pop in my earphones.
Didn’t have the mood to do so today though.
Everyone could book out for Valentine’s day to meet their friends and loved ones.
At least they had something to look forward to.
My only purpose in booking out was to prepare for my surgery.

During that one hour bus ride to Tamp, as the engines droned on.
I became dragged into faraway thoughts.

‘Time flies… Wonder how you’ve been. I’ve been trying to cut myself away from everything. Like how one slashes his wrists and arms helplessly with a penknife. I feel this way.’

‘It’s been a year ever since I left you. Almost a year since you last made it clear to me you no longer trusted me; that you were thoroughly disappointed in me; that you were going to do anything to forget me and everything else I’d done for you and to you. I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings because of my indecisiveness and fear of commitment to you. That you were my first, and also the first to make me know how bad a jerk I can be. No amount of apologies will help for it has already happened. I don’t know what else I can do except wish you well. And still hope in all futility, that you will forgive me someday for I never wanted to hurt you.’

‘The days that followed our end were very difficult. I was filled with regrets for even starting it. It was so much better before it started. Way better before it ended. I have only myself to blame. For my immaturity in handling of the situation. I was 19, but I felt like I was 12. Even then, I thought a 12 year old could have handled it better than I did. Even though your words have been the harshest to me, I did all I could to take them all in like a man wishing to face the music.’

‘We’ll never be friends again, a decision you made that I’ve accepted with much helplessness and difficulty. You have finally found your happiness, and I guess it’s my retribution that I’m still fighting miserably for mine that will never come. Long after we ended, as we distanced, I fell for someone else who’s probably never going to be interested in me. I wish you and him well, and I know he will give you all I that I’ve failed to give. From afar, I will look back, and remember never to do the same to another girl again. And I feel the melancholy and the emptiness right now only because of one reason- my feelings for you before were all genuine.’

As I was shaken back into reality by a sudden jerk of the bus, I realised I had muttered those ‘faraway thoughts’ under my breath like a lunatic talking to himself. Then I realised the person sitting opposite of me was staring at me the entire time, wondering perhaps if I really was a lunatic or a weirdo. I smiled at him and took out my earphones at last to quell the embarrassment. I’m used to being seen as weird anyway. Nobody ever understands me.

Never did I realise…
My stupid iPod decided to add more emo into my heart to kill me.
The song suddenly changed to The Bird and The Worm.
The emo inundated my heart and I felt the familiar pain.
I let myself collapse loosely on my seat as I let the song flush through me.
Tilting my head back and closing my eyes in helplessness and bitterness.

By the time I’d reach TM, I was already half-defeated. I was literally dragging my feet.
Not knowing what to have for dinner I just went to Macs for a meal.
Then Joycelyn happened to see me from afar and came by to ask why I was sitting alone for a meal.
After the brief encounter and warmth of seeing a concerned friend and senior…
I went back to stoning at the burger, before I left without finishing it.

I walked all the way back to the playground.
Sat there and stared at the night sky. For a long time.
My body by then had lost all of its energy as I stared on.

Wondering if you’d thrown away everything I’ve given you.

2010-05-13T18:17:00.003+08:00

This is a world of dreams and reverie
Where I felt the stars explode around me

It's been about a month since that fateful day when I saw the fall of two potentially good teams.
The sweat. The tears. The trophies. Everything fell.

That was the time I felt I lost something dear to me.

2010-03-28T18:03:00.000+08:00

I feel sad and empty.

Why. Why. Why.

Meimei...

2010-03-21T12:27:00.001+08:00

LONG HIATUS~~

2010-03-19T08:53:00.001+08:00

Epic.
The moment i stopped my antibiotics course.
My skin swelled again.

Haiz.

2010-03-18T16:41:00.001+08:00

I don't feel like applying for uni.
Just feel like staying at home and rotting from within, always.

Limited choices.
Time so tight.

Cannot breathe.
Cannot sleep.

2010-03-14T16:23:00.003+08:00

It's all full of politics.
I feel like leaving at the expense of what I was committed in.

2010-03-13T00:22:00.002+08:00

One word replies just mean I didn't know what to reply.
But I'm happy you are bothered with that.
For it means you care about all I tell you and talk to you about.

You do treat our conversations seriously.
And that's really very, very good. (:

My replies in future, whether or not I know how to reply, will be longer. (:
Rest assured.

2010-03-12T12:16:00.002+08:00

Thank you to those who have been catching up with my blog contents!

Take note though.
Updates will be coming very long later.
Long, long later.

2010-03-10T12:21:00.002+08:00

Rain

The heavens poured at last.
Refreshing as can be, a sign of hope.

Today morning's raining session pulled me back to faraway thoughts though.
Reminded me of many things in the past when I was still in Anglican High.

The mood.
The ambience.

Makes me both happy and sad.

2010-03-08T00:03:00.003+08:00

'You will shine in your own way.'
Something both Vivian and Katie said.
Thank you both for the same awesome quote. (:

I'm dead beat now after spending one whole day thinking of my future and planning for it to be reality.

I'm really challenging myself to partition my life properly.
It was tough at first. Now it seems okay.

Academics, future, entertainment, commitments, etc.
It's tough. But I actually CAN do it.

2010-03-07T16:57:00.003+08:00

A scar for life.
One I will learn from. (:

Thank you God for giving me this life lesson from my grades.
I will accept the consequences.
I will be strengthened by them.

Time to research on me courses.

2010-03-06T21:10:00.001+08:00

I no longer regard Vivian as a friend.
Just be sure of that, everyone.
And I don't need to explain myself.

2010-03-06T16:37:00.002+08:00

=((
Why must biology be such a pain in the neck.
It was always there for me.
Now it's actually my stumbling block to my future.
=((
First 'O' levels. Now 'A' levels.

2010-03-06T14:42:00.003+08:00

Another breeze

The value of friendship is put to the test with every milestone.
The result?

I give you the benefit of the doubt.

There are some I can no longer communicate with like before.
There are some I can communicate better with unlike before.
It's a long term thing. It didn't start from a day.
It just got confirmed by this very day itself.

I will still move on with life.
But sucking in the winds of serenity and modesty.
Peaceful as it is, things are still going to change.

There will be some I will definitely talk less to.
Just don't be surprised.
It doesn't mean there're hard feelings.
Because now I finally know, that sometimes it's better for me to be left alone.

I'm finally an adult.

2010-03-06T00:15:00.003+08:00

I honestly feel like shutting myself from the world around me.
I feel so darn small.
Everyone else around's so tall and majestic.
My only take at this and I flunked it I failed it.

My ONLY take at it. My ONE shot.
Confirmed by the 2 years I have to involuntarily give to the nation.

Meimei. Good people don't necessary get good returns.
Even when they worked hard for it.
Even when they know they worked harder than some for it.

It's inevitable I felt sad I didn't do well when others around me did.
I still feel that way.

My dreams of being the successful person I wished to be when I grow up have all been smashed into smithereens.
Now with no aims left to follow, I'll just go ahead with the choices I still have left, and go according to Fate's plans for me.

Everything happens for a reason.
I wonder why this happened though.

2010-03-05T19:04:00.002+08:00

The truth.
The fact.
It's starting to set in.

It hurts deep.
The fact's really blaring loudly in my ears, asking me to give everything up.
Really, everything up.
Stems from utter tiredness growing out from within.

But I have so much more to live for.
My parents.
My grandparents.
My newfound girlfriend.
My mentors.
My best friends.
My good friends.
All my friends.

What's done is done.
I did my best given the circumstances.
I really, really did.
I expected much worst anyway.

So I'm not going to give up.

So now the third milestone and I barely survived.
The road ahead's opened up now.
However I'm too sad to take the first step.
So I shall give myself a day to cope with the fact emotionally.

Ahh.
It's been long since I felt so... Aimless.
Everything used to be so smooth-sailing.

2010-03-02T01:19:00.003+08:00

The day of days

Seconds, hours, so many days...
Now it's finally countdown to the day of release of the results.

It's official. This friday's the day.

The fact that I'm 19's roaring right in front of my eyes.
I'm so not ready for what's about to come.
I just hope my future won't be stalled by what's coming 4 days from now.

2010-02-28T01:02:00.004+08:00

Dusk

It's been kind of tiring going back to SJAB to help out.
Reading reflections.
Planning cases.
Coordinating trainings.
Aiming for marked improvements.
Mediating for welfare.
And lastly, of course...
Making sure none of my juniors hate me for appearing.

Absurdly. I found myself talking to some on msn.
Only to get some O.o and other versions of 'gawping at someone'.
I think I totally crossed the line, with reasons not acknowledged by some I talked to.
Still. I tried. And there's no turning back the clock any longer.

Tiring. But meaningful.
Rippled. But manageable.
Befuddling. A tempest of many other feelings.

I won't say my efforts have paid off very well.
But I'd say I've nearly reached my limit because I've tried my best.
And anything else that happens against my favour from this day on.
Will just serve to tire me out further without much hope of improving.

My days in SJAB are numbered anyway.
Not that anyone actually cares but still...
For all the efforts I've put in, I think I deserve slightly better. D:

James said he'd go back and make them hate him.
I'd say I wish to go back to help and ensure I leave no stones unturned.
And leave without hatred trailing behind me.
Because I've sacrificed much for all of these.

Really alot.
Not usefully. But meaningfully.
Though I'm still given the benefit of the doubt.

2010-02-26T23:12:00.003+08:00

Monstrous

I've failed.
Yet again.

I guess leaving soon is a good idea.
No one will care anyway. No one will remember anyway.

Even if they do, it's just me with my stupid ideas.

Why. I tried. I worked for it.
Why did it end up like this yet again.
Am I that good at failing?

You want to show that you hate me.
Just go ahead and show it in front of others.
Don't wait for others to disperse before you show your true colours.
Cool, you bloody hypocrite.

Just don't get it though.
Do you look down on me? Do you despise me?
Why ostracise me like 3 years ago?
What exactly have I done against YOU that have led to such prolonged hatred from you, like seriously?
You hurt me so much more than anyone else but I've never, ever gone against you like how you are treating me now.

Yes. Yes.
I'm just so good at failing.
No matter how nice I try to be.
They'll still treat me all the same.

All my efforts down to nothing once more.
Another thing to depress me deep down under.

When will I ever see the light of the day again...

2010-02-22T23:30:00.001+08:00

Jasper...
I'm in love once again.

2010-02-20T23:37:00.003+08:00

I'm very confused.

Just tried out H2 math all over again while helping my bro with his homework.
Well, I didn't manage to solve the questions he asked.
Those questions were very familiar too. (Implying I actually attempted those questions before)

It really scares me to think that I have to study more again after 2 years.
Something happened to me in those years I was in AHS.
I seemed to have lost touch with doing well in my studies since then.
Feel so much like ending everything here.

V just added me back on facebook.
I felt happy for awhile.
Seconds passed. Still not a word from her.
It doesn't make me happy anymore because there's still no difference.

Haiz.
Again.
What a way to feel before my birthday.

Oh Jasper, get well soon. (:

2010-02-20T12:00:00.000+08:00

I'm not ready.

Or am I?

2010-02-19T23:21:00.002+08:00

I'm going deeper and deeper into what I'm doing right now.
Lord, hope You can guide my way in the next few sessions ahead.
Amen.

2010-02-19T11:56:00.001+08:00

Wouldn't it be cool if I actually committed suicide on my birthday?

But sadly I won't.

2010-02-19T00:35:00.003+08:00

Depression makes one sleep awake.

What a way to end my night.

I never wanted the conversation to spiral into an argument.
In fact I never thought it was an argument until she said it was.
I merely popped by to ask if she was okay with everything so far.
And there I was actually going into this mini debate with someone I know for being strongheaded without thinking it was a mini debate.
The best part is she had to carry it on and on with her point of view and then go on telling me straight that it was a debate and yes, I caused it because I was being too serious.

I never went against the school you were in.
I never went against anything.
What's wrong with me saying that students these days should be fairer to TJ because it ain't that bad.
Seriously when was the topic EVER about your school or other schools?

...

Such is nothing much to me already.
I'm willing to accept I'm wrong even though I don't know where I actually went wrong.
I'm willing to accept I'm wrong even though I keep thinking that you've been too sensitive.
But will accepting that repair this new slice into our friendship?
Or will it go on damaging our friendship anyway?

How I wish it never happened.
It was so unexpected.
Really very unexpected.

I've lost enough.
I don't want to lose you as a friend.

2010-02-18T16:47:00.000+08:00

Currently planning what to do in the event that I realise my results suck.

2010-02-17T01:15:00.002+08:00

I liked them before.

As my days continue on and on.
The misery of losing some in my walk of life grows.

Like, I'd never see myself not talking to V and A 2 years ago.

Things are so much more different now without them.
Both in the good and bad way.
So much quieter too, in the bad way.

I wish for times like before.
I still do.

But everything else is irreparable.
This, even time will not help to repair.

Wonder if they'll still remember me when I'm out of this world.
Free as can be.

2010-02-13T14:23:00.006+08:00

Crappy New Year (CNY)

Things have changed now.
CNY on my mum's side isn't as good as before.
Actually, CNY on my mum's side isn't good at all as compared to that of long ago.

Haha.
To add on to the frustration and probably depression.
I have no valentine this year. (;

What a way to feel on my first day of CNY.

Can't be helped though.
Like what Jia Ying said... It's like a virus.

2010-02-13T14:23:00.003+08:00

OHAMGEE...

This is the 667th post of my blog.

It scares me to know that the post with my most amount of fear thus far was coincidentally the 666th post.

The accursed Devil has been playing evil tricks within my life in recent months.
Eating on my very weaknesses so that I go through unbearable pain time and again.
I have been holding on to the faith that God will pull me out from all of these.
I'm still holding on to that faith. Undying faith.
After all, I, a perpetual sinner, deserve none of God's love.

A thought streaked through my mind.
Why do some people just feel happier doing evil.
Are they out of their minds?

Then again,
Even the nicest of beings in this world may be evil in their varied, own ways.

Always be on your guard I guess.

Time to get some holy water for my Computer.

2010-02-12T23:11:00.002+08:00

Have I done the right thing?
Have I made the right step?

Time will tell.
I still fear though.

I should know my status and constantly remember that.
Will fate play another joke on me again?

2010-02-10T13:28:00.002+08:00

There are times when I'd wonder to myself why I'm not as happy as those I see when I flip some random facebook pictures.

There are times when I'd question myself again and again and again.

There are times like these.

Staying at home on my own... Depresses me.

2010-02-09T17:44:00.002+08:00

East Spring

Went back to ESPS with Jocelyn, Marvin and Edwin today.
It was good fun and touching at the same time.
Seeing the teachers that taught and groomed us during our primary school years...
Words just cannot describe how I felt. But it felt really good.

Well with that, most of the teachers we visited remembered who I was, being the naughty, playful, crybaby and high profile person I was with the 'oh-so-awesome' grades. That was 6 years ago, mind you.
We first met Mdm Teo(whom I always got into trouble with when I was in Primary 2) when we entered the General Office.
This was followed by Mdm Chua (P5 C/HCL teacher), Mdm Lim (P5/6 Form teacher), Mr Tan (Random C teacher that used to relief-teach us), Mdm Jumidah (Primary 4 Music Teacher), Mrs Christopher (DM), Mr Yeo (Random Math teacher that relief-taught us) and then Mrs Lee (My ex choir-conductor and P2 Music teacher).
We saw Mdm Lim on our way to the hall. The kids were having this mass PE session where they were attempting to dance to the famous Wondergirls' song.

At the end of it all we met Mdm Lim again. I ended off the visitation by saying she looked prettier (I should have said she's still as pretty as ever before because she has always been so pretty =.=").
She really inspired me on to be the best that I could be back in 2003 when I was in my final year there at ESPS.
And till today I'm kinda sorry I made teaching (quite) hard for her. (D:)
She said that she remembered me as this fluent and confident presenter, and that now my looks have changed.
I hope to see her around some time again soon. (With my hair gone D;)

It's truly amazing how I was able to remember my primary school days, friends and teachers with such detail as I raised the happenings of the past as we all conversed with the teachers we met.
Marvin was like 'If only such memory can be used for your academic studies' and I was like LOL.
I just happen to remember all of these, and I thank God for such a memory and such memories.

Thank you all so much friends for coming down with me.
Thank you Jocelyn for initiating the visit too.
Lastly, thank you all ESPS teachers for the memories forged.

East Spring, is where we are from~
East Spring, is where our loyalty lies~
We pledge to give our best with pride in all our work~~

2010-02-07T01:30:00.003+08:00

Downed knees

I feel that the family I'm in is going to break apart real soon.

I'm really tired of how every part of my life's not going my way now.
Too tired to the point that, depressed as I am, I no longer care about what else is coming my way next.

All I hope God can give me now, is for my Grandpa to be healthier.
I'm too tired inside, to wish for anything else.
God, please, I beg of you.

2010-02-06T20:22:00.002+08:00

Exclusive

Everything we have achieved so far.
Everything we have done so far.
They are all but culminations of everything else that have happened before.

Culminations don't necessarily mean the end of everything.
They themselves may be a stage reached, a stage one can use in propelling one further to greater stages in his/her life.
In this case.
My existence in St John is by itself a culmination of everything else that led me to that decision of joining a CCA that had totally no link at all to my passions.
And it continues to culminate. To where, well I'll probably never know.
For now. I just help in whatever way possible.
That's why I called the post Culminate.

There are reasons as to why I name a post the way that it is named.
Sometimes a word itself speaks a thousand words. Sometimes, we require a phrase.
As such, my dear reader, never ever neglect my post names.
They could well mean something my posts don't directly say.
After all, there ARE people I don't know who read my blog and I have to be real careful with whatever I say online.

Went out with Sabrina, Yu Kun and Wen Bin today!
The 407 gathering became a 4 people rendezvous that well, was still fun. ^^
Ate at Popeye's (Century Square) before going window shopping around TM and CS.
We chatted, tried to get Wen Bin to ask us the 'stupid question' (but failed) as well as played SG mahjong through our iTouches.
Met Jianle!, Jeremiah, Jia Xin and a few other TJ juniors at Popeye's!
(Argh got spotted by Jeremiah)
I thought I kinda surprised Jianle!. Haha she went 'EHH!' before she waved with a smile. :D
I was wondering why some of the juniors who didn't know me waved along with them =.="
That was not all; met Shawn (choir) later at Yamaha! He looked so cool being bald and tanned haha! (Not looking forward to NS though!)
So we talked awhile before he met up with Wen Bin at Popular.
To my surprise, I met Amos and Elmo (Zheng Wei) at Popular!
Familiar faces everywhere. Glad to have so many friends like all of you around too ^^

After window shopping, I parted ways with the guys (Sab went to work while Yu Kun bought his Gundam figurine set) to borrow some books from the library.
After that, with still some time left in my hands before my Mum officially called me back home, I went back to Tampines Mall to look around again.
It was then that I realised that it was really hard for me to buy anything because I'd feel reluctant using my own hard-earned money on anything I felt like buying. D:
I hate to use my parents' money. I hate to use even my own hard-earned money.
The efforts behind such money... They really make me hesitant spending on anything.
So dumb right? Haha! Like who will think that much before they spend.
Still I'm not one who can easily spend large sums of money before actually earning real income at adult rates. Having said that, even if I do start earning as an adult I'd most probably not spend large sums of money too.
I always consider the rate of returns before spending on anything too. ^^
I'm, perhaps like my mum, a careful spender. ^^

Alrights, time to contine replying my juniors' reflections.
Chinese New Year's starting next week!

2010-02-04T23:46:00.001+08:00

Before I explain 'Culminate', I'd just like to say...

Thank you Adeline for telling us the timing. (;

Enjoy your trip k.

2010-01-31T20:44:00.001+08:00

Culminate.
Why culminate?

Continue wondering.

2010-01-31T00:19:00.001+08:00

New update coming soon.

Wait for it.

2010-01-30T00:10:00.003+08:00

Culminate

Getting frustrated or angry over things doesn't solve anything.
Being calm even in the worst of things... Makes you look cool and steady.
It also gives you a clear mind in solving the problem better.

So whatever happens.
Just be calm.
Well, I experienced that.
So I now know it works. (;

Went back to St John today to see if I can help out in any way.
I implemented this journal review technique on Squad 3. Wonder if it'll work?
Still. I have my reasons for doing anything.
For this, it's so to help my previous CCA in whatever way possible before I leave.

No matter how others might have thought of me in the past.
I still believe I belong to AHSJAB.
Because you guys, Yi Yang and AA'07 gang, taught me to believe in that. ^^
I will always do.

I truly believe that the will to be disciplined can be counselled with patience and hence strengthened.
Something I learned from Ms Jennifer Tham.
Haha I realised I'm exchanging techniques between two CCAs of very different worlds.

Actually I wished to continue typing about my St John experience of three years.
But I've decided to let those times go and concentrate on the future that awaits me.
It can be really tiring at times clinging on to the past.

With that, I will stand by AHSJAB as well as TJChoir for as long as I breathe.

I have more to type.
However I shall stop here, get a few songs and then go to bed.
Having a splitting headache now after today's session with the cadets.
I will continue this post, and probably answer (for the first time) why I gave such a title to this post.

Lastly,
God bless Sheng Ya for his surgery tomorrow.

2010-01-28T19:10:00.001+08:00

I truly believe in being calm in the face of adversity.

Will elaborate more later.

2010-01-27T19:58:00.004+08:00

Cup of tea, with some lemon juice today.

All characters described in this post are purely fictional.
Any identical characters with identical stories as those used in this post is just the result of coincidence.
Reader discretion is advised.

I tried to console her because I knew she'd be upset with her failure in entering the school of her choice. School V.
She entered School T which is also one of the top few schools.
She, like me 2 years ago, aimed for better schools.
Come on, who doesn't right?
So...
I knew of this junior who did not manage to enter school T even with the same points as her.
So I told that to her in the hope of cheering her up a little.
I wanted her to know how lucky she was; well I assumed that'll make her feel better.
Because I totally know how she felt, being one who experienced it all before.
This is how cruel our education system can be at times.
And I just told her to cherish this chance of her entering school T, since it wasn't even her first choice (but she still managed to enter unlike the other junior of mine).

I thought things would work out fine and stuff like that.
I thought that unlike before, she'd probably appreciate it a little better.
I was like 'care not about the past'.
Then she went 'YYSSW'.
It's really super 'KISS' lor.
I knew the abbreviation stood for something bad. Still I tried to console her.
Then, being the frog in the well I was, I went to find out from friends what YYSSW could possibly stand for.
'Yeah yeah sure sure whatever'.
So I just stunned for a moment, picked up my handphone, and together with the accumulation of distaste I had for her past rudeness, just slammed her for being so unappreciative.
Even in the process of doing so, I softened with a 'jiayou' at the very end of my messages. I think if it were you my dear reader you'd not be that nice.

Then she actually gave me the most sarcastic remark I've ever had in my whole 18 years of living.
To get such a remark from her, one I always thought was one of the nicest juniors of mine 2 years ago; well I reckoned she'd changed to be a little more blunt with her words recently but still I never did expect that from her.
Even the most abhorrent person I've met in my life so far never went that far.

So it went like this.
'Fine. TYVM I appreciate it so very much. Yr advice is so valuable. I'm so GLAD I made the RIGHT choice. Not to forget, a big :D for you'
Just these few words. Short and sweet.

It was the BOMB. I was walking towards Tanah Merah MRT when I received the message; I really nearly fell off the hill.
I didn't know how to react to that message.
A part of me obviously felt sad/angry/disappointed over the message.
The other part of me, triggered partly by James' thinking as well my mine, felt rather empathetic for her.
After all I did go through what she's going through now; well if it were me I'd probably not go 'YYSSW' but I'd still be rather irritable.

So amidst the mixed feelings.
I just lay (laid= laid eggs don't come play play) down my pride and apologised.
Although meimei once told me not to do so because that'll prove her point that she's right (though I never did think she had such a point to prove).
Although another good friend of mine once told me it's not worth my time anyway.

As expected anyway.
She did not reply.
She'd probably not reply in a very, very long time too.
Something which well, saddens me.

Because despite how she'd treated me in the past.
Be it giving me random questions without the basic courtesy of saying hello first, which in turn makes me feel as if I'm some dead information counter and not her friend; Be it not answering my question and then expecting me to reply her question first; Be it logging off in front of my face without a word of goodbye, etc.
I still treat her as a friend of mine.
I still remember the affinity we once had when her words weren't as blunt.
And to see this friendship always landing up in such a state.
Well I guess it really saddens me and probably her as well, innately or not.

This is just one of the great many bad things that have happened in my life recently.
Just three days ago I actually broke up all friendship ties with this other junior of mine because she broke all of her promises to me. It's been three years.
Though I actually went 'may we never cross paths again', I still cherish the affinity (if any) we once had too and I still hope we'd remain as friends. What irony.

Till now I still hope that other friend of mine would reply to that message of mine.
I think my wait will last for eternity. I asked for what saddens me now.

I won't know exactly how this other friendship of mine would go.
After all, even a consolation in its purest of all forms could become a spark that ultimately led to a conflagration of nasty flames.
Still, I really, really, really hope she'll abandon all hopes of going to school V and just concentrate all of her hopes and efforts now into settling down in school T.
I really wish her all the best in setting down in school T.

I really, really do wish for the best for her.
I just don't know why all of these shit happens everytime.

You know, I even read her blog and realised that she actually thanked me for helping her with part of her studies. That goes to show that amidst all that had happened, she's actually not that ungrateful. She DOES appreciate, but somehow it takes time to show...

Well, with that.
I guess I'll leave everything else to her now.
Be strong alright.

With that, the end of this story.
Closing of another chapter.

The start of another.
MAHJONG!

Had Mahjong session with Sabrina, Guo Dong and Perry today.
It's so sad that Guo Dong's enlisting NEXT WEEK D;

Well Mahjong's fun and it's REALLY my cup of tea but...
As I said, I'm not a noob player; I was really just super suay.
After throwing out a 666 (the devil's number) for my three dices, I actually lost almost every subsequent round =.=
(So please beware of that you-know-what number.)

I actually became so super duperly in debt!
Fortunately I managed to slice a nice proportion of that debt with quite a rare set for me which rounded up today's Mahjong session.
A 'De Javu' for Perry and Sabrina ^^

Dear Mahjong pugilists. We will meet again!

I have to clear my debt I don't care! ^^

Well I kinda enjoyed today's session.
Losing is really fun by the way if you keep thinking positive ^^.
Oh yes thank you very much Pizza-man for calling me Mr Ben! ^^

And lastly, no worries Guo Dong! We will hang out like mad when your BMT's over ^^.

(Sorry for pang-sehing you and Sab last week D;)

Life hasn't been that great at all.

Just look at my previous posts and you'll know.

Still, certain things in life remind me that there're still things in life worth me living for.

Of them. You people. ^^

-End For Now-

2010-01-27T01:31:00.002+08:00

Firstly before I start this post...
Just for one tag...

@Grace: Which Grace are you? Haha. I know 6 Graces.

Now to start this post.

I'm tired.
I shall go sleep.

^^

2010-01-25T23:41:00.000+08:00

God give me the strength to chiong music theory.

I must complete all of these to create music of my own.

2010-01-25T16:52:00.003+08:00

[Title]

'Good' news.
Surgery on 14th April.
2pm Changi General Hospital.
Local anaesthesia.
I'm going to scream in pain trust me on that.

'Bad' news.
I'm currently rotting at home now.
I don't have any drive at all to do anything, seriously.

Haiz.
My life sucks even without school...
I have lost all directions in life.
Let's laugh. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Coffee dunking time.

2010-01-24T15:44:00.001+08:00

I want to learn how to use Korg music synthesizers!

2010-01-23T18:42:00.002+08:00

The sun has never been that irritating before.
Well there's always a first to everything in our lives.

As time continues to run...
Things continue to change...

Sound like a broken record here but yes people are starting to see.

Hmm.
Wonder though if I've made the right move?

2010-01-22T22:17:00.002+08:00

Went back to St John followed by Choir.

Thank you all. (:
Thank you Lord for making me feel happy for once. (:

2010-01-22T00:27:00.001+08:00

Continue taking my presence for granted. You may not have a chance to do so anymore. (;

2010-01-21T16:38:00.001+08:00

Jun Hao, hold on.
Stop expecting so much from friendships.

I should be better off without friends.
They suffer when I'm around with them.

2010-01-21T09:55:00.002+08:00

Awry

I'm absolutely furious at how things have been going.
My days cannot get any worse seriously.

Still, telling people won't help.
If I rant too much here people's tongues' still wag.

Zzzz.

2010-01-20T11:16:00.002+08:00

Song Review 1

For me to like a song, it must FIRST satisfy three criteria.
- Good Tune
- Good Rhythm
- Good Lyrics

Then it must give me what I call the 'Gwarrrrhhh' feeling.
That feeling burns me up from within, lifts me up, brings me down, inspires me, makes me long to hear the song again, makes me want to understand the song, its lyrics and the entire story behind the song, etc...

The singer behind need not have the best vocals; a unique style that brings forth what the singer truly wants to give to the listener suffices.

Currently. A handful of singer-songwriters have achieved that 'expectation' of my taste. Not that it's any significant since I'm so untalented.

Of them, Adam Young from Owl City.

To be honest with you, when I first heard this song I really felt so inspired and determined that everything would work out. I teared as well listening to that song.

With that, the lyrics to the song.
When you understand what they mean, you'll truly appreciate the song even more.

If My Heart Was A House

You're the sky that I fell through
And I remember the view
Whenever I'm holding you
The sun hung from a string
Looking down on the world as it warms over everything
Chills run down my spine
As our fingers entwine
And your sighs harmonize with mine
Unmistakably
I can still feel your heart beat fast when you dance with me
We got older and I should've known (Do you feel alive?)
That I'd feel colder when I walk alone (Oh, but you'll survive)
So I may as well ditch my dismay
Bombs away, bombs away

Circle me and the needle moves gracefully
Back and forth
If my heart was a compass you'd be north
Risk it all cause I'll catch you when you fall
Wherever you go
If my heart was a house you'd be home

It makes me smile because you said it best
I would clearly feel blessed if the sun rose up from the west
Flower balm perfume, all my clothes smell like you
Cause your favorite shade is navy blue
I walk slowly when I'm on my own (Do you feel alive?)
Yeah, but frankly I still feel alone (Oh, but you'll survive)
So I may as well ditch my dismay
Bombs away, bombs away

Circle me and the needle moves gracefully
Back and forth
If my heart was a compass you'd be north
Risk it all cause I'll catch you when you fall
Wherever you go
If my heart was a house you'd be home

If my heart was a house you'd be home

-end-

2010-01-19T23:16:00.003+08:00

Karma

Remember.
Arrogance leads to bad karma.
Stupidity leads to bad karma.
Showing off leads to bad karma.
Laughing at others leads to bad karma.
Saying you're better than others leads to bad karma.
Acting leads to bad karma.
Basically, putting on a disgustingly fake facade leads to bad karma.

I pwned you flat today because you accumulated too much of bad karma 2 years ago.

The more you try the more you die.
So stop because actions speak louder than words.
Well then again.
The world around you will be better off without those two altogether. (:
Toodles.

Well.
I'm back to drawing thanks to Jia Ying's inspirational words (: (:
Still.
I don't have the drive to do anything leh =.=

Alrights nothing else to blog about.
See ya my dear reader! (:

2010-01-19T12:06:00.002+08:00

Falsetto

I wish God had given me a naturally nice-to-hear voice.
God however gave me a unique falsetto and I'm already thankful for that. (:

Feeling kinda feverish now D:
Going out with my bro, Isabel and Ying Ting later for cycling/rollerblading.

And yes, hi Marc =)

2010-01-18T01:28:00.002+08:00

Talking to Jia Ying never fails to make me happier everytime.

Thank you =)

You must jiayou too k.

2010-01-17T20:08:00.003+08:00

Thanks Venus and Jianle!
You all have been a great source of encouragement to me too. (:

I have decided to carry on writing the song, 'White Eyes'.
To show how cruel reality can be.

2010-01-15T11:48:00.004+08:00

The big inferiority
The small superiority

My bro's making it big in his studies and magic performances.

I currently have nothing.

3 years ago I actually said to my bro in the midst of an argument that I was more accomplished than him.
Currently it's the total reverse.

I find it fair.
It's my retribution, and I'm sorry bro.

Haha ok let's not emo.

Going for a swim with Ju Ho!
Hopefully next week I can return to TJ as well as AHS.

2010-01-15T00:12:00.003+08:00

I wish I had wings
And some mana

Others give unrealistic advice.
I'm sure I don't.
I've gone through enough shit to be giving unrealistic advice at a time like this (:

I still don't feel like touching my music theory books.
Sian sia.

10.45 am tomorrow =.=
Ms Yeo's trying to kill me.
Still I think she's the best piano teacher I'm gonna have. (:
Do think I got to know her through Li Hui. D:

Wonder if she still hates me now.
Hmm. Yes I'm irritating. Still am. D:

Nicolas I still cannot feel the URMPH to blog. D:
Somehow I think I've lost my mana haiz.
I need a recharge.

Well. Time to go back to the shadows where I came from.
Dong!
May the force be with you.

2010-01-14T16:24:00.003+08:00

Learn to be content

Having seen some of my juniors not doing up to their expectations for their 'O' levels, I finally understand how lucky I have been in those two years at TJ.

Having also seen how some pursue false hopes of entering branded JCs, I finally understand how the rest around me must have felt when I too tried to pursue such false hopes two years ago.

Answers continue to flood in and inundate my life as history repeats itself in front of me time and again.
It's not just the Os. It's everything thus far.

Everything happens for a reason, and it's all starting to make sense to me now.

For now I just hope the 16th won't suck as bad as I think it would.
And whaddaya know? I have another potentially useless hospital appointment coming up.
Good luck to me.

2010-01-14T00:29:00.000+08:00

Amelia, thanks for the memories.
I feel sorry that you know me.

2010-01-13T22:11:00.002+08:00

I like her.
However what exactly do I have to offer?

I only have sincerity.

Actually have I been sincere?
Hmm.

Is sincerity enough?
Hmm.

I'd better start doing something to show that I'm more useful than I look.
Don't use me though.

Haha.

2010-01-13T12:03:00.002+08:00

Music calms the soul.
Music confuses me.

I will tie music with my past.
I will make sure no one follows certain parts of my footsteps. (:

2010-01-12T20:04:00.003+08:00

I'm really too tired of living in this world.
However I'm too tired to even die.

I don't know what my next step's gonna be.
I really don't know.

Must be the pizza. Must be.

2010-01-12T18:06:00.005+08:00

Congratulations to my bro (Jun Liang), Lyndon, Venus, Qian Ru, Rizvan, Adora and Ru Ying for doing well for their 'O' levels! (:

May you all continue to succeed in JC (:

Anyway just came back from Chalet.
Had a great time BBQ-ing and playing mahjong with my classmates.
Kent and Bryan! You all slept too early D:
Actually, I played mahjong for too long...

Thank God for such wonderful friends. (:

2010-01-10T17:07:00.005+08:00

I'm fortunate.

Some of you are more fortunate than me.

Don't complain (: Because I haven't (:

I've yearned for my dad to play basketball with me for... 9 years.

I've yearned for a bicycle for... 8 years.

I've yearned for freedom to use the computer any time for... 8 years.

I've yearned to learn how to play the piano for... 8 years.

I've yearned for a pair of rollerblades for... 7 years.

I've yearned for an Ipod for... 6 years.

I've yearned for a decent mp3 camera phone for 6 years.

I have many more 'yearnings'; I'm just too lazy to list them all down.

I'd love to work towards them rather than get them for free with or without asking for them.

I'd say I've really been fortunate enough to have a stable family background as well as a nice shelter called home where I can live in and enjoy being in a family.

Getting all of these 'yearnings' is secondary; still, they drive me to make the effort in achieving them which in turn makes me a more hardworking (?) being and I'm thankful to God for that. (:

Having said all of that that, I've finally gotten my IPod Touch! (:

No big deal but it's still something I'm kinda happy about.

Used a fraction of my pay to get it.

Things haven't been running smoothly for this IPod Touch though; the earphones that came with it didn't work well and the main button's giving me this signal that it has loosened for some reason.

It's good though that I got it from Nubox, an authorised Apple reseller. Otherwise I'd not get an exchange for the earphones as well as the official warranty from Apple. (: Thanks Kent for the Apple advice; imagine getting them from sim lim square! D;

Things in general haven't been going my way since a long time ago; I've learned somewhat to take them all in my own stride and move on.

With that, tomorrow's class chalet AS WELL AS the release of the 'O' level results.

Venus, you're not the only one freaking out over that. (:

Wish all of me juniors (including my bro) all the best for the results (:

Haha. It's been long.

I'm famished.

2010-01-09T23:06:00.003+08:00

Just so you, my reader, knows.

I'm an avid reader of the following blogs:

Venus- http://burntheroin.blogspot.com/

Jianle!- http://www.froggieprince.blogspot.com/

Nicolas- http://deluded-me.blogspot.com/

For now, that's all.

Go read them when you can.

They are always interesting. (:

2010-01-09T21:49:00.002+08:00

I gave this quote to Jolin I think was appropriate.

Time is a powerful creator, cruel destroyer, miraculous healer and an undying athlete in its own league.

I've experienced it all. So far.

2010-01-06T18:41:00.002+08:00

Everytime I feel sad or angry I'd tell myself that I'd go home and blog it all out to feel better.

However the minute I click into my blogger account.

With my fingers resting on the keyboard.

I just don't feel like typing anything anymore.

Hence, I shan't.

2010-01-04T20:30:00.001+08:00

Storm's just begun

As the days draw nearer and nearer.

I become more and more resigned to my fate.

The ultimate punishment from God is about to befall me.

I'll accept it wholeheartedly because I deserve it.

And I will thank God for it in due time.

Before I let the cruel fact tear me apart.

I really do regret being who I was in those 4 years of AHS.

I'm also glad that throughout those 4 years, some learned to forgive and accept me for who I was.

I'm also glad that now, people have come to forgive me for who I was in those 4 years.

I'm also glad that even till today, I still have friends from before and now.

The forgiveness is the most precious gift I'd ever have from God.

The fact that I deserve worse attests that claim.

With that, all I can do now is continue running.

With God there to guide me on, I'm sure I'll head to a better place.

Hope to see you guys soon! (: (: (:

2009-12-31T15:19:00.008+08:00

25 MOSTs of 2009
Respect my views and opinions or get out

The most Appalling school I've worked in in 2009
And***** Primary School

The most Breathless thing I've done in 2009
Delivering many boxes of shoes to customers islandwide in a day

The most Caring person I've met in 2009
My imouto, Abigail

The most Depressing moment I've had in 2009
When TJChoir got silver for SYF 2009
When people who said they'd be there for me left the path I had to walk

The most Enchanting moment I've had in 2009
Singing in TJChoir for SYF 2009

The most Faithful person I've seen in 2009
Jianle!
Kent

The most Gorgeous girl I THINK I've seen in 2009
Adeline Chan without her hair done during grad night

Nicole during post-sales period

The most Helpless period I've had in 2009
When I found it difficult to cope with everything in JC

The most Inspiring mentor I've had in 2009
My conductor, Ms Jennifer Tham

The most Jubilant friend I've had in 2009
Abigail

Nicole

The most Knowledgeable person I've seen in 2009
Mr Peck (GP)

Nicolas (Songs)

The most Lonesome period I've had in 2009
The same period when I had problems coping with my JC life

The most Magical moment I've had in 2009
Singing and dancing in TJChoir for Reflections X

The most Nauseatic experience I've had in 2009
Transaction with a parent-cum-customer at **** Kat*** G**** Primary

The most Original singer I've heard in 2009
Adam Young

The most Pious friend I've had in 2009
Jianle!

The most Quoted in 2009
Jiayou!

The most Realistic artwork I've seen in 2009
Jasper's coursework

The most Surreal moment I've had in 2009
The walk with Di across the compounds of Hwa Chong Institution at night

The most Thick-Skinned person I've seen in 2009
My brother during sales

The most Unique talent I've seen in 2009
Adam Lambert

The most Vicious person I've seen in 2009
A contestant in The Moment Of Truth

The most Wasted incident in 2009
Wei Jie coming back to class only during mid 2009

The most Xenophobic moment I've had in 2009
Going into Nan Hua Sec's concert alone at Clementi

The most Youthful person I've seen in 2009
Uncle Sunny

The most Zealous person I've seen in 2009
Let's just say, the whole of 20/08 shall we?

With that, 2009's coming to a close.

I actually thought tomorrow's New Year's Eve. =.=

I'll miss loads of things in the coming year of 2010.

Of those, my class, my colleagues as well as my teachers.

We all have to move on.

All I hope now, is for 2010 to be a better year than 2009.

For now let's all soak into the mood of New Year's eve.

In this very, very last day, of 2009.

Back on hiatus.

2009-12-29T22:08:00.001+08:00

On hiatus.

2009-12-23T22:31:00.003+08:00

I cannot create good music.

I cannot do well for my academics.

I cannot play well for sports.

I cannot sing well at all.

Now I cannot even do sales.

Today's a flop.

What then, can I do?

Sigh.

Depressed once again.

Things haven't been going my way for months.

I guess I deserve it.

2009-12-22T00:12:00.001+08:00

The 25 MOSTs that happened in 2009 to me.

Coming soon, only in this blog.

2009-12-20T18:36:00.001+08:00

DAMN IT LAH.

STUPID BOSS SENT ME TO AND***** PRIMARY AGAIN.

I still feel so lonely.

2009-12-19T16:08:00.004+08:00

ORIENTATION

1338 sales!

Though sales target= 3000, I guess it's still fine.

So tiring.

Now it's retail -.-

Lord give me the strength.

I'm working for a reason.

2009-12-18T00:00:00.004+08:00

Invisible

The school I've worked in and hate the most thus far is And***** Primary.

The people there (except the GO and HOD people) have no respect for others. Seriously.

Treat us salespersons who go all the way there to even compete with Nike and Addidas brands just because of some stupid phone calls from parents enquiring about our school sports shoes like dirt.

Okay, not even like dirt. Dirt exists.

They treat us all like invisible people that do not exist in this world.

If you all have no respect at all for us salespersons, why ask us to come to your school to waste our breath and resources selling to you all only to face such a high rejection rate from you all?

That you all didn't even look me or my sales personnel in the eye or at least at our direction when we all speak.

Come on you all get to earn so much from our discounted products that are selling at Popular, Robinsons and even Carrefour at super high prices.

It's to your welfare; why can't you all at least give your thanks to our efforts like parents of other schools?

Seriously it's a terrible waste of resources and time there.

Whether it's a waste or not doesn't matter.

Today was depressing especially for me in solo because everyone showed no respect at all.

Even the most basic respect for a human; it was just not there.

That happened to my sales personnel too.

You think we were all there for money?

WE WERE THERE TO HELP YOU ALL SAVE MONEY.

I cannot care less anymore.

I'm going to sleep.

2009-12-17T06:55:00.002+08:00

Ultimately Shi Min added only Alpha in Facebook.

Haha, expected.

I've been so nice the whole 2 weeks.

Alpha only appeared once in those days of the weeks.

Sometimes.

I think it's just about affinity.

Whereas some take very long to get close to one person, others need just a few hours or days to do the same.

Haha. Time to go for work.

2009-12-16T21:31:00.001+08:00

Haha. Hilarious.

This blog is as dead as me.

2009-12-15T21:50:00.000+08:00

Must hold on.

Must really keep firing on.

2009-12-14T23:59:00.001+08:00

People will forget me sooner or later.

2009-12-14T21:46:00.003+08:00

Breakneck Speed

Let it all progress to the very end.

We'll see by then what happens at the end.

It might be good! It might be bad.

Whatever it is, only time can tell.

I knew this would happen.

I foresaw that it'd happen.

I identified the targets a long time ago.

I swear though that I'll make your life hell if you ever hurt her.

Okay.

Well today's job wasn't so bad.

At least I hit above 50o. Phew.

Time for more facebook.

2009-12-12T07:05:00.003+08:00

Fake

Don't act as if you are all that good and that you are all that humble.
That's because it seriously will fall apart with time and people will ultimately still see through your gimmicks.

It has happened before, hasn't it? You know it best.

Whatever happens I'll make sure you don't hurt the people I care for.
I will make sure that if you ever hurt anyone of them I will personally see you crumble to dust.
I swear to that.

2009-12-11T21:40:00.002+08:00

Jobbie wobbly

I know loads about politics.

I'm serious about that.

I know loads about perspectives and impressions.

I'm also serious about that.

And I don't fucking care how some people view me as long as I know what I'm doing and I know that what I'm doing isn't morally wrong or impractical.

I will forever remain kind and friendly, even if people wish so much to exploit it and ask for more.

And to add on to that, that's all the kindness and friendliness I have. So don't push it.

That's beside the point.

The final conclusion is that my life sucks but I'm just gonna keep trying on and on.

I know that someday, some will start to see that I'm really sincere in all that I do.

That I'm not pretentious, and that I do not deserve all the shit (at all) some are giving me now.

I will survive.

Because I love challenges.

Even if at first they all come making me depressed.

2009-12-10T23:41:00.004+08:00

Foliosis

I think I'm perhaps one of the most outdated person ever.

I don't have a MP3.
I don't have a MP3 handphone.
I don't have a camera phone.
I know nuts about Wii,
The latest Nintendo gaming device I have is perhaps the Gameboy SP.
I'm still stuck at Playstation 1.
I don't have a bicycle.
I'm still struggling through the Harry Potter series.
I'm still at book 1 of the Twilight series.

The list goes on.
I don't wish at all to continue.

Because I feel blessed that at least I have a home to live in.

2009-12-09T00:30:00.004+08:00

Prom night.

Probably the last social event that I'll attend.

It's the same feel I got 2 years ago during AHS prom.

Even after so long. Some things don't change.

I feel happy to have been able to have a last dinner with such a great class.

Yet I feel so sad too.

I shan't sigh.

2009-12-06T22:34:00.001+08:00

Creation of music.

A discipline that teaches and guides.

Let's aim to that shall we?

2009-12-06T00:03:00.002+08:00

Don't feel like blogging these few days.

2009-12-03T21:39:00.002+08:00

Tiger Woods now?

Haha. This world never fails to surprise me...

A levels have OFFICIALLY ended.

The last paper ended off with a nice finishing touch...

But in the middle... Rojak of errors here and there.

Said this to Hweeli and I'll say it again.

I'm kinda worried for my future D:

Never mind!

I will keep trying.

Life's just so full of challenges and I have to live with that fact.

2009-12-02T19:59:00.001+08:00

Thank you imouto, for always being there for me. :)

2009-11-30T23:13:00.001+08:00

Many things I'm feeling vexed about.

For now, I'll try to KO them one by one.

Will reply tags later.

Now it's time for me to sleep.

Need to reach 1k need to reach 1k...

2009-11-29T21:26:00.002+08:00

White eyes

This used to be the title of one of my compositions.
Now I'm gonna have it changed, because my Grandpa's having mild cataract.

Hopefully everything will be alright.
I'm sure everything will, because my Grandpa's a righteous person.

2009-11-28T11:04:00.004+08:00

This makes good roti

This is one interesting child of God.
He chose to jump in a path that people would prefer to first walk.
Words that cut deep within the innards.
Actions that smell of an interesting past.
Now saturating the sponge he lies within with his moisture of influence.

A sponge that absorbs both good and bad.
Something we term 'multi-cultural'.
A sponge that has become defiled by grandmasters looking below, from above.
One that requires much more cleanup, to shine like before.

No one seems to know what's happening.
For those who already know, they are concerned with their hands tied together.
Plagued by this grey issue where right is wrong and wrong is actually right.
With that, this not-so-ordinary child of God continues his work stealthily.

Quaternary years of such, leaving a trailblazing record of glories.
Yet price to pay, the bitterness of hate and shame.
People all have differing views that then converge latest.
The best idea of it being technically correct but morally wrong.
Stealth comes in many forms, this one hard to defeat.

In this child of God's line in time, fortune sprays like confetti.
Hearts must break for lessons to be learned.
He has the best of both worlds that continues to delude him.
Wonder when, this will all end for my loved ones protected.

Inextricably tied to the past, perhaps explaining the breakneck speed.
Time will tell how all will progress for one to truly see.
Whatever it is now, I just wish that nothing will change.
Except the technicalities, with no emotional price at all to pay.

Ok SHUCKS I gotta go help my mum with groceries D:

This makes good kopi

My brother has finally outshone me.
Haha happy for him, sad for myself.

Wait, why does this make good kopi anyway? O.o

2009-11-27T11:52:00.004+08:00

Activation

Taking a jog.
Swimming.
Working out.

Things I feel like doing, yet don't feel doing.
o.o

Give me a moment of thought will you?

Tired. Really tired.

2009-11-26T23:57:00.004+08:00

Crunch

I'm holding on tight.
However I know it's really not going to go the way I want it to.

What has actually gone the way I wanted it to anyway?
Come to think of it... Such incidences have been few and far between.

Whatever happens.
I believe strongly in karma.
I know that some day, it will work out.

And when it does.
True happiness will be felt and literally tasted for the very first time.

Just... When will it be?

I may seem cheerful most of the time.
However deep down inside, some things in life just makes me ache from within.

2009-11-24T20:47:00.002+08:00

Estranged

Feels like I'm in another world.

'Please take me away from here'. Apt phrase.

2009-11-24T00:03:00.003+08:00

Times up

I'm officially quitting studying! :D

Tired already. Sian already.

Amidst all of these shit.
I found out who's truly there for me in times of trouble.
Haha one whole LOAD of liars I used to believe in I tell you.
However it's okay. I deserved that. =)

Well, now the only thing to worry about is... The execution of my post-As plans.
Time will tell. Just like for everything else.

2009-11-22T08:11:00.002+08:00

Lulz

Tomorrow's the day.
I'm barely there at the end.
After tomorrow all ends the first thing I'll do's sleep.
The days after that...

Oh no. A new worry. D:

2009-11-21T19:06:00.001+08:00

One step at a time.
Yes doing that.

2009-11-20T22:09:00.002+08:00

Grab it

3 more papers to go.
Woots keep going!

Next Monday's the day.
Seriously I care peanuts about studying for Bio MCQ. (:
That's why next Monday's the day it all ends!

Alrights time to study real hard for the final Bio P3. :D
Chiong arh chiong arh...

Midnight rush!
I can't care less le. Do or die. (:

2009-11-19T15:01:00.004+08:00

I prefer old guitars and pianos.

I prefer new keyboards and electones.

I wish to create more music.